


i bet on losing dogs

by timerise



Series: mitski works [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, No Beta, Panic Attacks, We Die Like Men, anxiety attack, cancer bitch, content warning: anxiety, idk how to get this to work, iwaoi - Freeform, mitski - Freeform, okay here we go, self indulgent, type 3 bitch, yes i kin oikawa yes i hate him we exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29506941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timerise/pseuds/timerise
Summary: oikawa is always losing. it seems like all he ever does is lose.
Relationships: (IMPLIED), Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, idk its kinda up for interpretation
Series: mitski works [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2167503
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	i bet on losing dogs

**Author's Note:**

> TW: anxiety attack
> 
> yeah im on a mitski bender so. here’s this.

I Bet On Losing Dogs- Mitski

_ My baby, my baby _

_ You're my baby, say it to me _

_ Baby, my baby _

_ Tell your baby that I'm your baby _

_ I bet on losing dogs _

_ I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place _

_ By the ring _

_ Where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down _

_ I'll be there on their side _

_ I'm losing by their side _

Oikawa had known, since the beginning, that they would lose. Not the very beginning, of course, but since the first time they played Karasuno. Tobio Kageyama had become everything he feared the boy would be- better. And Hinata, Christ. They were already so advanced, and they had  _ just begun. _

They won the match, but Oikawa couldn’t even speak to Iwaizumi with the weight of his realization. Oikawa wasn’t going to exponentially improve this season. Neither was Iwaizumi, nor Kunimi, nor even Mad Dog. His plateau forced his team- his family to plateau with him.

He would be damned before he let that stop him from trying, though. God, what it would show, if he could pull Seijoh to the top- climb their way to the precipice like vines against an ancient brick wall.

He would try until his arms gave out, until both knees were shot, until his fingers wouldn’t bend and he had nothing left at all.

-

He never told his team what he knew. Or, what he suspected. He only redoubled his efforts, increasing the number of practices, teaching and running new plays, learning everything he could about every member. When the rest of his team left, he stayed behind and set until he couldn’t move his shoulders, served until his hand went numb.

What else could he do? At the end of the day, he knew he wouldn’t change much as a player until his entire surroundings changed too, so he needed a change in scenery. That wasn’t going to happen in high school. The only thing he could do was give.

Sometimes Iwaizumi stayed behind. Mostly to yell at him to get going and get some rest, but sometimes to practice as well. It felt good, just the two of them. They had never been out of sync on the court. They could bicker and threaten each other all they wanted outside of the gym, but within the white lines, they were always on the same side.

On the days when Oikawa was weak, he wanted to tell Iwaizumi. He wanted to cry and confess everything, how he knew exactly what was going to happen. But no, of course he couldn’t. Iwa wouldn’t understand anyways. He would remind Oikawa that anything could happen on the court, and that worrying about it would only wear him down.

Didn’t he understand, though? It felt so hopeless. Seijoh  _ deserved  _ to make it to the top. They deserved to beat Shiratorizawa, to claim nationals as the family they were. It was supposed to be their year.

After so many years of being used and passed on, praised and discarded, tutored and forgotten, Oikawa had thought that  _ this time,  _ he would take something for himself. Something of his own, to prove to everyone that he was worthy.

He was worthy, wasn’t he? Didn’t he deserve the glory, the adoration, the pride? Wasn’t his ego of his own devising, chipped away into something beautiful and recognizable? Or would he burn out before he ever reached the top? Would he fade into darkness and fall, discarded once more, for the last time, forever?

These thoughts got him nowhere, but plagued him constantly all the same. He worked as hard as he could to force a smile, to be the support base Seijoh needed. They deserved his best. Iwa deserved his best.

It was a shame his best friend could read him like he always did. He never could hide as well as he tried.

__

_ Will you let me, baby, lose _

_ On losing dogs _

_ I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place _

_ By the ring _

_ Where I'll be looking in their eyes when they're down _

_ I wanna feel it _

_ I bet on losing dogs _

_ I always want you when I'm finally fine _

_ How you kneel over me looking in my eyes when I come _

_ Someone to watch me die _

_ Someone to watch me die _

_ I bet on losing dogs _

It was a hard day. He had watched Karasuno play the night before. He was shocked to discover their famous quick had now gained incredible accuracy and power. He worried it was indomitable. To make matters worse, scouts had begun showing up to scrimmages and captain-led practices, sometimes as many as five at a time just watching him.

He felt their eyes. He was good at that, he always knew when he was being watched. On a good day, he fed off it, used his audience’s energy to fuel his own power. But at the moment, it was causing a near shutdown.

His hands were shaking. He was going to lose everything. At that moment, he wished for nothing more than someone to witness his fall. Call it martyrdom, but he wanted someone to see him die and know he didn’t take it down. He didn’t want to step into the night, only to scream and cry,  _ “God as my witness, I gave all I could give.” _

Some dreams must come true then, because a hard hand clasped roughly around his shoulder and shoved him towards the gym doors leading outside.

Oikawa didn’t have to look behind it to know it was Iwaizumi. There was no protest in him, he was using everything he had to keep everything from spilling out right then and there. He slipped into his normal shoes and walked outside, seeing Iwa do the same in his peripheral.

He took a deep breath of the chilled air and sighed, shoulders slumping. He was shaking, still. He turned back to look at Iwaizumi, who was still glaring.

“What’s wrong with you?” Iwaizumi asked, hands shoved down his shorts.

“It’s all so much,” Oikawa admitted quietly. He tilted his head back to look at the stars in the sky. They wouldn’t hear his broken confession tonight.

“How many times am I gonna tell you, Oikawa? You have to come first.” Iwaizumi moved to stand next to him, strangely nonviolent. Their confrontations usually involved Oikawa mouthing off, Iwaizumi hitting him, Oikawa breaking down and admitting what was wrong, and Iwaizumi helping him back to feel whole. When Iwaizumi was upset, he just said what was making him upset, and they dealt with it from there. So, this was strange.

“First before what?” Oikawa asked. “And what constitutes as me? It feels like I’m so selfish all the time, taking everything I can to try to make our team better. Because if I’m not good, our team won’t be either. If I’m not enough, we’ll never make it.”

_ It doesn’t matter. We’re not going to make it anyways. I’m going to fail you all the moment you truly need me, and you’re all going to watch me lay down and die. _

He was gasping for breath then, hand balled tight in his practice shirt, clawing at his chest. Iwaizumi hadn’t moved. “When the time comes, if I haven’t done my part, it’s all going to be my fault. I can’t let you all down like that. I have to prove that I’m worth something, you know? I don’t want to take this like roadkill, you know?”

Iwaizumi groaned in frustration, something in him seeming to snap. He shoved Oikawa back against the wall of the gym, knocking what little air he had left out of his chest. He pressed his face in close. Oikawa’s stomach twisted unpleasantly. He didn’t even look angry.

“Damn it Tooru, breathe. You’re acting like we’ve already lost. You’re not in this alone, you know? You’re the captain, you’re the setter, but every one of us is here to help you too.” Iwaizumi shifted to better support his weight, a hand pressed against his chest to feel his ragged intake of air.

“You know the counts, Tooru, do you need me to list them with you?”

Oikawa shook his head and focused on filling his lungs with air. It normally didn’t get this bad, he was already ashamed that Iwaizumi had to help him. Again.

When Oikawa had steadied, Iwaizumi sighed. He sat against the wall and opened his arm, allowing Oikawa to sit next to him and lean against him. Oikawa obliged without a second thought, tucking his head into Iwaizumi’s shoulder. It was a bit awkward, since he was shorter, but Oikawa couldn’t be more grateful than to have him there at all.

Iwaizumi rubbed over his arm, chin coming to rest on top of Tooru’s head. “I’m only going to say this once, Oikawa, so don’t you dare try to make me say it again. I want to win, yeah? I want to take the trophy and all that, I want to get to the top. I want to see you shine in the way you do.” He paused, thinking of how to phrase the next words. “But more than anything, I just want to play. I want to compete together for our last season together, and I want to enjoy it for what it’s worth. Your life doesn’t end here, Tooru. Your opportunities don’t rely on this team’s success. If you give your best, we will too. And in the end, if we don’t win, I’ll be really happy knowing that I got to play with you.”

-

They didn’t win, of course. Oikawa gave everything he had. As did his whole team. He was so proud of them, even as Karasuno came together with screams of victory over them.

Tears dripped down his face. He had been right. Everything inside him hadn’t been enough. Aoba Johsai deserved to see the world together, to claim the whole planet for their own, and Oikawa had let them down, just like he knew he would.

Even through that realization, a slimmer of light remained. He looked off to the side and saw Hajime Iwaizumi- in an equal state to his own. The two of them collided, tears soaking each other’s jerseys as the rest of the world faded away.

What did it matter, in the end? He had lost the game, sure. But he wasn’t done. He would play volleyball as long as he had promised- until both his knees were shot, until his fingers wouldn’t bend and he had nothing to give. But even then, he would keep giving.

One day, the world would see that he was worth their love. He was worth their cheers, their gifts, their tears and their voices. He was worth everything he was given. The world would see.

As he clung tighter to the man in his arms, Oikawa realized that his world was a lot smaller than he ever thought it could be.

**Author's Note:**

> lmk your thoughts in the comments!!


End file.
